I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
