Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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