Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize