you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
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Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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