Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
