So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
