I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
