It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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