I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
