I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
