I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
