i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
