Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
