my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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