I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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