Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
