Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
