Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
