I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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