I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
