no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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