How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
