dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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