I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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