I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
