If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
