she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
