So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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