he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
