she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
