I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
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I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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