You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
