If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
