I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
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its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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