Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
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I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well I just put wine in my tea
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
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Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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