he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
