guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
