hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
