dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sorry about my life...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
