I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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