why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
