Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
