I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
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I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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