My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
