when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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