Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
