you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
