I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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