Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
