why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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