i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
