Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
