I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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